I haven't written in a long while. Simply because I have had nothing to say. Tonight I got the urge to write.. just to write something, a poem a story anything. I find that I suck at writing lately. But Ryan tells me that I should try my hardest because he knows that I have potential to get somewhere. Tommi [Guy D :)] tells me the same thing. I often doubt myself when it comes to my writing. Maybe its because all through life I've been told that I was never good enough, at anything, for anyone. I just got pretty sick of it. In middle school I was on top of everything, I was in band, I kicked ass in music class. I was the best math student, I was even recommended to take Advanced math. English was my weak spot, although I looked forward to spelling tests because I hate spelling wrong and I worked extra hard. I also kicked ass in French. I was never good in art.. I had no imagination. Ive always based life on real experiences, there are no "What ifs" with me. You could ask me any question, and I'd have 2 opinions on it. I'm always in the middle with something. I'm that understanding.. it scares me that I don't really have an opinion on anything other than myself. When I got to High School, I had no interests, I wasn't good at anything. I failed Math and English. My stage fright stopped me from being able to preform music and I dropped out of band. And I failed any music class I took, so eventually gave up. And I still was no good in Art. I coasted through High School and only one class before grade 12 interested me. Writing 110. It was then when I found out I was -Good- in writing. I was the youngest student in the class, I was only 15 at the time of taking the class when the other students were 16 and 17. But I had the highest mark in the class, and because of writing class, I had passed English.

My writing teacher showed me that I was good at something, and she helped me with english.. she had faith in me. She saw in me something I couldn't see in myself. Grade 11.. I still sucked at school. Took Law class.. sorta became interested in that. But writing was still my thing, although I never really did anything about it. I actually failed Math that year.. I had never failed math the years before but got by with a 60. English was my highest mark that year. With an 80. We did a lot of writing in that class. And as long as I know what I'm writing about, I can write amazingly. I fail to remember what else took place that year with my schooling, but it was definitely one of my worst years. Grade 12.. I had English with the most amazing teacher.. and I even though I got a 75, I learned more in that class then all my years in High School. She encouraged me with my writing even more. But still I did nothing about it.. although I did write a few poems, I don't believe that they are anything to be proud about.

The point behind this.. I was too afraid to live my dreams. I let myself get discouraged by other people. Even though I DON'T care what people think of me, they got under my skin and affected me without me knowing. And even now, I don't believe that anything I attempt to write will be of any good standard. Its a shame..

I pretty much feel like an idiot as of right now. And it all comes down to one thing.. guys. 3 of them to be exact. Guy A, Guy B and Guy C. [Fuck, now I feel as if I have to censor everything I say].

Guy A: I'm just so confused about him. I don't know why I chose now to start liking him.. seems it always happens to me. I start liking a guy way after the chance has came and past. I hate how I seem to mean nothing to him.. when we were once good friends. I always said he was the reason I lived. Some days I just want to forget about him completely because it hurts that much. And other days I feel as though I can't go on til I talk to him. I want to sit here and write for hours about it, so maybe it will hurt a little bit less. But I know no matter how much I write, or how much I try to talk about it, it will never go away because I will always feel as though I missed out on something. One thing that no one will understand is how much it kills me inside to know that he has forgotten about me. Kills me to hear about his wonderful new life that I am no longer apart of...

Guy B: He's another I could go on about for days. The pain, the love Ive felt.. could take forever for me to explain it all. But mainly right now.. I miss having him.. I miss being in his arms.. I just miss him. Maybe its this time of year [3 days before Christmas] that is making me feel this way.. but I don't know. At night, Ill sit there in silence, listening to see if I can hear his music as he's driving by.. I listen to see if he'll give a little honk like he'd use to.. also I try to erase the memory of him at the same time. Erase the way I felt.. the image of me and him. I miss it. [Sorry if this all sounds like crap, I'm so distracted right now, so I'm trying to force this blog]... Its hard to explain either way. I just want it to stop.

Guy C: Hes not even worth mentioning. Its just a dumb crush and will hopefully go away as soon as possible. I don't even know why the hell I like this one. We aren't friends, we don't talk, he just passes me by like everyone else. He pretty much ignores me. Although, we have had a few memories, cuz we did hang out a couple times. I treasure those memories, cuz they make me laugh. But god, I hate myself because of this dumb crush. Every time I see him, I feel so retarded. I completly lose grip of myself. I act like a total idiot, and its not even worth it. He doesn't pay any attention to me, nor do I intend to go after him. I dont understand what is wrong with me. God Im such an idiot!

-- Im going to post another blog here sometime, about my love for Linkin Park at the moment, which Im listening to, and is the reason why Im so distracted.. <3 Linkin Park, they say it better than I can.

Best Friends. And I sure have some of the greatest ones.

Apparently I am one of the greatest people in their eyes, which I fail to see. In my eyes, I'm a horrible person. I'm cranky, moody, messy, emotional, unreasonable, useless, worthless and above all ugly. But still they tell me that I'm an amazing, beautiful, kind, loveable person. I don't know what it is that they see in me, what it is that they love so much about me. And whenever I ask them "Why", they just say "Because". They can't really tell me. I wish they could.. I want to know.. no I need to know what is so great about me, then maybe I could see it in myself. I want to give up on myself more times than I can count. But they tell me to hold on. The more I think about it, the more I realize.. these people who told me to hold onto myself.. let me go.

1. "You're everything to me. I never want to lose you. You are my most trusted friend, and I will always be there for you, no matter what"..."I hate you, I never want to see you again. You never cared about me, just shut up and continue on with your pathetic life. I will be better off, beause my life will be better without you in it".. in a matter of months, to my so called best friend I became nothing. It hurt.. still hurts. Late at night, I'll miss him. I miss staying up all night talking to him about nothing.. I miss our crazy fun we used to have. I miss him being mine. As much as it hurts, I'd rather be nothing than to try again. Because all of the pain I've felt.. from the times he lied to me, to the times he told me I was nothing to him, hurt more than not having him. He will never know how much he truly meant to me.. how much I honestly loved him [still love him].. and he will never know that I can't even look at him without wondering "why?"

2. This one came back to me.. but he let me go without a second thought. "Listen, you are beautiful, talent, unique, lovable and an amazing person and I know there are many people who love you just as much as I do. You're special and I love you." He never had any problems with telling me that he loved me, although I never heard it from anyone else before him. Nor had I actually said it to anyone but him. He was the reason I lived for so many months.. he was my rock. I looked to him to give me the words of comfort I needed. And he never failed me. Not until I changed.. and he abandoned me. "I never wanted to leave you.. but you made it impossible"..... my heart broke. I was the reason he left me. It was all my fault.. and I was too stupid to realize it. I gave myself the hardest time, because I had the greatest thing ever, and I practically threw it away on purpose. If I could go back and change it.. I wouldn't. I love him more than words can say.. but he left me when I was most vaulnerable... and I still have yet to figure out if hes worth it.

Those 2.. they were my downfall thats for sure. I fight with myself every day to try and not be brought down by life. I went to watch The Holiday with my best friend, and as I sat there watching the lives of 2 girls come crashing down, I saw myself. The girl who couldn't bring herself to say no to the guy she loved. The 'Perfect' girl but he was too stupid to see that. That was me. The girl who was an emotion wreack.. who damanaged the relationship herself.. the girl who couldn't cry. That was me. I want so desperately to break down and cry.. to cry and cry and cry. Til I have no more tears left. But I can't.. not out of sadness. Frustration, yes.. Sadnes.. no.

Maybe someday I will reconize those who have been good to me.. but for now, I leave you with this poem that I fell in love with, by an author that is unknown:

The night, the day, the hour unknown.
The girl, the women, the child unborn.
The love, the lust, the passion burned.
The sorrow, the cries, the days yearned.
The rain, the snow, the storm raged.
The people, the life, the world staged.
The lies, the betrayal, the hurt preserved.
The scream, the cry, the whisper unheard.
The joy, the smile, the laughter faded.
The hypocrite, the soul, the liar jaded.
The reason, the answer, the outcome changed.
The hope, the faith, the will deranged.
The promise, the bond, the link broken.
The words, the lyrics, the lines misspoken.
The insanity, the reality, the dream blends.
The emotion, the meaning, the healing ends.

Something I will never understand.. the desire to have someone. Not just anyone, but a lover, a companion. Ever since I was little, I was always on my own, I didn't believe in crushes or love or any of that. I was just me and that was enough. As I got older, I fell into the trap of having a boyfriend. But I never really gave into it. I cared about them as a friend, but as 'boyfriend', nah. The reason behind this would probably be that I never really had a father figure, seeing as mine left when I was little. No he never abandoned my family exactly. My mom kicked him out and for awhile he still came around. But that's not the point. I wasn't a very open person, to anyone. I stuck to myself pretty much. It was because of my father that I didn't trust anyone, including guys. I'm not exactly sure if that's why I never really got involved guys in a relationship. Maybe I was just independent, well I am independent, but I mean, maybe I didn't need a guy to fill in the blank spaces. I was content with having no one to depend on. A few years ago I completely gave into this 'crush' business.. and let my defenses down. I gave myself completely to a guy, I gave him my heart, trusting him with it. The outside was stone, but there was a crack in it, and he managed to get through. And on the inside it was fragile. I became to depend on him, and in the end, it destroyed me. He left me broken hearted, even though we remained friends, a piece of me was torn to pieces. My friends couldn't even help me through it because they just didn't understand. I was going through a really hard time, not only with this new found heartache, but with myself. I was changing, my emotions, my thoughts, everything was becoming darker. I was hit with depression, I was fighting it for so long, however I did not know about the battle I was facing. Turns out, depression is in my family and it was not something that I could escape from. That guy who broke my heart was the only person who knew that I was dealing with, so that left me in a difficult position.

Regardless to say, he never helped me. I was vulnerable and I was weak. It was then that I fell for another guy. He was there to help me through my hard times. Whenever I felt like I wasn't worth it, he was there to remind me that I was worth it. I felt like he truly loved me. I will never know if he really had feelings for me that way, or it was just him playing with my heart. He broke my heart as well. But he didn't leave me alone to face it by myself like the previous had. He stayed by my side, as ridiculous as it sounds, he was there for me as he broke my heart. I know now that it just wasn't meant to be. I learned a lot from him. How to look on the positive side again, that even though he wasn't what I thought, he still spoke some truth. And even though he couldn't be with me, I was still beautiful and special in his eyes.

The point to this is. What made me change? What made me vulnerable to these guys? And why is it after all these years, do I now feel the need to have someone there to hold my hand when I'm scared. To have someone there to kiss away my pain? Is it because I've had a taste of it and now I've become addicted? Who knows. All I know is that I don't want to be alone forever.. but sometimes it just seems hopeless in this world of liars and cheaters and people who feel the constant need to judge you, no matter who you are or what you are trying to be.

Well in case you haven't figured out, I'm new to this place. I've previously blogged in other places, and I was quiet open about a lot of things. I didn't limit the viewing for anyone, meaning all my friends knew about it, and occasionally my mother would read what I posted. Now, I'm not to worried about my mother, we are fairly close and she knows that I use my blogs to get my feelings out. If I have a bad day, I'd take out my frustrations and anger in that blog. And she realized this and never judged me by what I said in my blogs. However, my friends weren't so understanding. They'd often criticize me for what I wrote. I'm a strong girl, I can handle it. But I don't like the feeling I was getting from this. I felt like I was hurting my friends feelings by what I was saying, so to stop all the misunderstandings, I decided to start a new blog, somewhere that my friends don't know about. That way I can say what I have to say, and not worry about how they are going to take it. I will continue to post on the other blog, most likely the same as I will post on here, but on here it will be more detailed.. more of myself will go into this blog. Uncensored if you will. I hope that you all [whoever may stumble across this] enjoy what you read. If you feel the need to judge me, label me, criticize me, go ahead. It's your opinion and you are free to state it however you wish. But don't think for one minute that it will change who I am. I will continue to be me despite what you have to say.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. And I hope you come back to read more.